That's Very Deceptive

I was at the store earlier today and had the deep misfortune to be behind one of "those" customers.

You know the ones.

Anyway, as I stood in line, holding my treasure trove of chips, candy bars, and soda (it's movie night, stop judging me), I heard them utter the phrase that most made my skin crawl when I worked retail.

"That's very deceptive."

Get the fuck out of my store.

And so, I would like to share with you all now, a letter I started years ago and have finally now finished.

Please enjoy:

Dear Cherished Customers,

Do you know the meaning of the word "deceptive"?
Because, to quote the great Inigo Montoya:
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Let me explain it to you:

Finding a high priced item mislaid in the lower priced spot next to it is not "deceptive".

Finding an item hanging ABOVE a sale tag with one price, when all of our items are placed UNDER their sale tags, and thinking it is that price is not "deceptive".

Finding that you will only be refunded half the price of your "buy one get one FREE" item, is not "deceptive".

Sometimes people pick things up and then decide they don't want them after all, so they just lay them wherever. It happens quite often, and we here at [Large Pharmacy Company] do not hold people's laziness against them; we all do it! As a matter of fact, I just finished picking up the $80 night cream you left on our clearance endstand not 10 minutes ago.

Valued customer, have you looked around our store? Have you seen the other items hanging on the walls? Have you noticed anything strange about them? Have you, by any chance, seen that they are all hanging under their price tags?
Yes, I understand that the Bluetooth headset you want to buy is hanging above a tag that says $10, but if you'll notice, the tag you speak of says it's for a pair of headphones and the tag your headset is hanging under clearly reads "Bluetooth Headset $39.99".

And see that little text on your receipt under your purchased "buy one get one free" items? See how it says the words "return value"? See how both your full priced and your free item show the same dollar amount next to those words? That's how that works, dear customer!
You see, nothing is really free, you're technically just getting both items at 50% off.  I'll admit, to make things more clear, the tags should just state that both items are half off, but, sadly, I do not get to choose the prices of the items (much as you seem to think I do).
We know you would never try to scam us by returning one item for a full refund and keeping the "free" item, essentially stealing that item from us because, by your own assertion, you did not pay for that item in the first place. But we are a business after all and if, by some impossible chance, such a thing were to happen, we would be straight fucked and then who would you get your buy one get one free items from?

So you see, esteemed customer, I have never tried to deceive you.
I would never do such a heinous thing!

Unless, that is, I have a sales quota to meet and you're looking at an electric pink lipstick to go with your mint green eye shadow.

Then I might fudge the truth a bit.