How I Got Here

What do normal people do with their lives? Can someone please explain this to me?
From a super young age everyone is always asking us: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Some kids say a policeman, some say an actor, some say a doctor, etc. But some of us, some of us have NO FUCKING IDEA.

I have been asked what I want to grow up to be/do with my life for close to 20 years now, and I STILL do not have an answer. How do you know? How do you find this thing that fulfills you so? Does it really fulfill you, or do you just do it because you have to do something?

The worst job I had I barely lasted 3 months at. I had crippling panic attacks every single day and spent what little time I wasn't on the phone, crying as quietly as I could at my desk. I worked at a call center.

I'd had jobs before that one, the first one I'd ever had was retail because, duh. I worked in cosmetics sales. It was frustrating, often demoralizing, and incredibly tiring.

Then I got sick of retail, and wanted to try and find something that made me feel like I made a difference. So, I got a job at my vet's office. In the kennels. For shit pay and shit hours. But I loved it. I hated the hours, but I loved the job, so everything was okay.

Then the money I had saved up from working retail ran out and I started hemorrhaging money, because one cannot survive on $140 a week. Well, one can, but one plus two dogs and a cat cannot. I know, I know, don't get animals if you can't afford them. Well, when I got them, I could afford them, it had never been a problem until then.

So, feeling like I needed to suck it up and act like an adult and get a big girl job, I quit the job I loved and got a Phone Banker job at "We'll Go Far". How did I do there? Refer to paragraph 4.

Just to emphasise exactly how bad it actually was: I lost 15 pounds in 4 days.

I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping. I was a human train-wreck and I was making everyone around me miserable.

So, after a very heartfelt conversation with my older brother, I quit.

I'm not sure I've ever been more ashamed of myself in my entire life.

After that I floated for a while and then I got a job at a bookstore (my dream job, in fact) but it was only temporary, and they ultimately let me go at the end of my contracted time.

Funny thing was, I wasn't that sad. I mean, I'm salty about it now, because, fuck you, I'm a good worker, but at the time I was just relieved. You see, I had decided I was finally gonna go back to school.

Scary shit, I know, but so far, it's been pretty damn good. I've enjoyed most of my classes and professors, I've met some surprisingly nice people, all in all, I can't complain too much.

I still have no idea what I ultimately wanna do with my life, but at least now I feel like I'm actively figuring it out.